Don’t be a Flake

Twinks seem to be the biggest flakes. People who drink a lot or party are a close second regardless of age. The former I think is simply selfishness, insecurity and a large dose of immaturity. Some people may be flakes and don’t even realize they are one. So, what is a flake? I put together a brief list of behaviors I’ve experienced over the years that hold agreement among other players about what constitutes a flake. Doing these things will rightfully earn you the FLAKE label so don’t do them.

  • The classic, saying you’re on your way but not showing up without even letting the guy know you’ve changed your mind
  • Changing your mind at the last minute
  • Being deceptive and dishonest
  • Not reading his profile before chatting with him
  • Being ignorant about PreP, TasP, or lying about your status
  • Not sharing your cell phone/text number
  • Asking 20 questions like what are you into, how big is your dick, etc.. If you’re serious it should take no more than 5-10 back and forth text messages
  • Don’t go online if you’re not serious about hooking up now. If your app has a status option make sure it’s set to Not Looking if you do go online
  • Setting up or accepting a play date and then canceling at the last moment without an offer to make it up and rescheduling
  • Stringing a guy along and while you look for something better
  • Posting photos older than a year. I know one guy that’s used the same profile pic for more than 10 years
  • Not using your own picture (I hate you!)
  • Failure to disclose in your profile or in your first moments of chat that you cannot host or that you do not have transportation (bus, walking or bicycles don’t count unless they’re reliable and you’re close to him)
  • Not cleaning out or doing any prep (like trimming fingernails) before looking
  • Lying about whether you PNP or have been
  • Showing up with a cold, cold sores, undisclosed injuries,
  • Not bringing your own supplies. If fisting that means bringing your own lube, poppers and if your require gloves, bringing your own

Unfortunately FLAKES don’t wear a label nor do they post their flakey status on their profiles. It’s hard to know when you’ve run across one, but there are tell-tale signs. In my next post I tell you how to spot them.

Online Hookups Do’s and Don’ts

About

I’ve been a player now for some time. The internet and hookup apps make it easy to find a playmate, but many the guys on these sites and apps take the fun and ease out of hooking-up. Here’s my list of irritants, do’s and don’ts. What are yours? TWINKS TAKE NOTICE!

Do’s

Read My Fucking Profile—especially the part that says I’m HIV+. Besides, I wrote it for you, not my vanity.

Be on Time—it really is rude to be late despite anything you hear about “Gay time.” Gay time is bullshit.

Create a Complete Profile—the more you put out there, the more people will know if they’re interested in you. 

Be Honest—especially about your HIV status, your dick size, weight, age, etc. No one likes a liar and they’ll “remember” you to everyone.

Send Him Home—if he doesn’t look like his profile picture, tell him so and send him packing. These assholes plan on you being so worked up that you’ll just give in to get your rocks off. Do all of us a favor and tell them to fuck off and send them home limp. They’ll be humiliated and think twice before doing it again to someone else.

Exchange Cell Phone/Text numbers—Shit happens and it’s polite to let the other know if something comes up. If he’s concerned about privacy, see if there’s another way to communicate. If he’s totally resistant about this, it’s a warning sign that something’s not right. 

Keep Your Word—if you say you’re going to call, CALL. If you say you’re going to show up, SHOW UP. Having found a better trick is not a good reason to no-show or cancel at the last minute. If you find a better trick, schedule him for later that day/night or a later date. Or, simply let him know you’ve got or are working on a hookup already. Ask him if you should hit him up should your hookup flake on you. What are the possibilities of that happening!

Bring Your Own Stuff—unless he’s offered, bring your own supplies like lube, condoms, poppers, 420, gloves (for fisting). If he’s generous enough to host, you can be polite enough to bring your own shit.

Let Your Needs/Desires be Known Explicitly—he can’t read your mind and you won’t have a good time if he doesn’t know what you need to get off. Conversely, if he’s not telling you what he wants, ask him.

Do Some Reconnaissance—if traveling out, Google Map his address and get a street view if you can. While you’re on Google maps, get directions to his place from yours so you can see how long it will take to get to his house.

Plan for the Psycho—create insurance for yourself by sending someone the details of your hook-up and ask them to check up on you 5-10 minutes after you arrive. Make sure your friend know what app or website you met the guy on; what the guy’s profile name is, what his real name, what his address is; his phone number, picture, etc. Do this if you’re hosting too. Casually mention that you’ve done this to your trick and definitely mention it if it gets really weird. Seriously consider taking pepper spray or other personal defense items with you and keep them close at hand until you’re comfortable with the situation

Don’ts

Don’t Ask Me What I’m into—it’s in my profile. If you have a menu list of, “I don’t do this” and “I don’t do that,” then you’re probably going to be a bore. Besides, what I’m ino with one person may not be what I’m into with you

Don’t List a Bunch of Negatives—No one is interested in what you don’t like or what you won’t do. Tell us about what you’re attracted to and what you like to do.

Don’t Use Offensive Comments—”No Fems, No Fats” is bullshit. So is “Drug and Disease Free—U B 2.” Looking for someone that’s “Clean” is asinine. An HIV+ person is not dirty.

Don’t Ask Me if I have a Friend to Invite—unless you guys have been talking about three-ways or group play, don’t ask this. It merely says you’re not that into me.

Don’t play with HIV Negative Guys—Unless you plan to play 110% safe; all wrapped up and on PreP! I know many guys online who lie and stats show you’re at greater risk of catching HIV from someone that says they are negative than someone that says they’re positive and on treatment.

Don’t Cancel without Setting a New Playdate—Sometimes shit does happen and you can’t make your date. If you have to cancel be sure to call and ask for a new date. This lets him know you’re serious and not simple flaking on him.

Don’t Show up Without a Clean Ass—why is it that Twinks don’t get this! A dirty ass totally ruins the mood unless you’re both into scat. Get a bottle of Fleet and rinse your butt out!

Don’t Play More than One Guy at a Time—if you have two or more guys interested in you and they’re guys you’d do, pick your favorite and go for it. In the meantime, let the other(s) know you’ve already got a live one on the line and you think you’ll score. Ask them if they’d like to be contacted if it doesn’t work out. They’ll understand and almost always say yes. This has worked really well for me and earned some respect

Don’t Stick Around if You’re Not Having Fun—if the chemistry isn’t right and you’re grossed out, bored to death or what have you, politely end the play and go home. It’s easy enough to simply say the chemistry isn’t right and the scene isn’t working out for you. Let him know you appreciate his interest and generosity inviting you over. While he may be disappointed, he’ll respect your honesty and integrity.

Don’t Take Your Valuables—you have no idea who you’re hooking up with so leave the goods at home and only take what you need like your driver’s license, an ATM card or a small amount of cash for emergencies. Leave the ATM card or cash in the car, and take your ID with you. Better yet, carry a photo-copy of your ID and black-out your date of birth and license number so your identity is more secure. No matter what though, always carry ID!!

Toys – Making Toy Play Fun

A lot of people abandon toy play because it’s inconvenient and not as enjoyable as other activities. Think about your own experiences. For me, I started buying and playing with cheap toys with suction cup bases. I had a hard time finding something to stick them too. I tried chairs, stools, filing cabinets, floors, walls, shower tiles and the list goes on. I never found a suitable object that I could stick my toys to without doing some weird form of yoga position to get them in my ass at just the right angles. Out of frustration I ended up making my own toy stand. That was a game changer.

Having a proper stand made play a lot more enjoyable and I began to play more often. As the amount of time I dedicated to my toys grew I found that proper set up could be a distraction and discouraging. If I forgot to lay down a towel I’d drip lube on the floor. If it was oil based or J-lube it was a hassle to clean up. If I forgot my poppers I’d have to dismount my toy, squeeze my butt closed (I didn’t want to drip lube all over) and scurry over to get my poppers from the refrigerator. If I got thirsty I repeated the process to fetch a glass of water, beer or glass of wine. Sometimes, there were accidents. And if I didn’t do the preliminary cleanout, there might be some….poo. That’s never fun, unless you’re into scat play.

In all my years of toy play I’ve finely tuned my toy play setup process. Now, it’s a major part of my sex life. It’s fun, convenient, available when I want it, it’s safe, and I don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone else except myself. I want you to have the save enjoyment. So, I have included topics below that I found important in my evolution as a seasoned toy player.

Find a good place to play

If you can dedicate an area for play, it makes things a lot easier. When you’ve got everything you need in one place, it makes setup and cleanup quicker and more convenient. This can be difficult for some especially if you’re living with parents, roommates or simply live in small spaces. I’m lucky; I live alone, own my home and have a garage where I’ve dedicated space for toy play. If you’re not so lucky, try to find a place that is well lighted, easy to clean up, has power outlets for accessories and can afford you some privacy. For many, the bathroom is a good place to start.

Consolidate your supplies

Having everything you need in one place adds convenience and helps expedite setup. Here are a few things you’ll need. If you’re using the bathroom, you’ve probably got many of these already there:

  • Cell phone for pictures, videos and emergencies
  • Paper towels
  • Lubes: water, oil and silicone based
  • Vibrators
  • Puppy pads, incontinence piddle pads or newspapers to catch lube that leaks from your butt
  • Hand towels
  • Dawn dish soap and salt for cleaning up J-lube (not required but helpful)
  • Spare vibrator batteries
  • Vagisil (maximum strength, used as a numbing agent)
  • Juice injector (without the needle, used to insert lube into your hole)
  • Mirror(s)
  • Latex gloves
  • Laptop computer, iPad or a mobile device for watching porn or recording your play
    • Get a long VGI, HDMI or other video device cable so you can put a webcam on a tripod behind you so you can see the action up close. It’s hot!

Get a tool or cleaning caddy

Tool Caddy

A caddy of some sort is ideal for organizing and storing your supplies in a single, mobile container.  Or, if you travel, consider getting a canvas tool bag from a hardware store or online. If you need privacy, get one you can lock.

If you have a lot of gear, consider getting plastic drawers. You can find them in office supply stores.

Portable office drawers

Make or buy a toy stand

Tool stand

A toy stand goes a long way in making a safe and enjoyable play session. I’m including an illustration of a toy stand I built from parts I bought from a hardware store (illustration below). If you don’t have hand tools to construct a stand, there are toys stands you can buy at some sex shops, but they can be a bit pricey. You can find a variety of stands online or you can consider improvising or modifying a stand made for some other purpose. If you search the Internet, use the search phrase, heavy duty equipment tripod or heavy duty equipment stand or sculpture stand.

Tripod

Whatever you choose, safety and comfort should be your first consideration. You want to make sure whatever you use won’t collapse under your weight, won’t shatter or break into sharp shards, will be sturdy and allow you to squat over it with good balance and stability.

Home-made toy stand (view full size)

Use the right lube

To chose the right lube take the toy material into consideration. Silicone based toys are slick and no-porus in general so they typically need a grease or oil based lube that will adequately coat and adhere to the toy’s surface. J-Lube, a water based lubricant that is sold as a powder can be made very thick. It works well on silicone toys as long as it is very thick and sticky…almost “goopy.” Silicone based lubricants work also, but they’re expensive and their viscosity may not be inadequate depending on the brand. You will see some warnings on the Internet warning you not to use silicone lubes with silicone toys because the lube will degrade the integrity of the silicone lube, perhaps even dissolve it. That’s not necessarily true. If the silicone toy is made with inferior materials I can see where this might be a possibility. To make sure though, check with the toy’s manufacture to see if their toys are at risk.

Here are a few oil based lubes you might want to try. A word of caution though—if you are experimenting with a lubricant not specifically made for sex toys or food, proceed at your own risk. You may be allergic to the substance and it may be toxic. Definitely avoid any lubricant made for machinery or not made for use with the human body. The following list is what I’ve tried and used safely:

  • Baking grease (Crisco or off-name brands)
  • Lard
  • Cooking oils (canola, olive, coconut, etc.)
  • Vaseline

For latex, jelly or rubber type toys (not always a safe pick), oil and grease based lubes degrade the toy material and they become gummy and sticky. That scares me and I think it would you too. The best lubes for these toys are silicone and water-based lubes.